you confused survival with failure

stop punishing yourself

so many of us are stuck in cycles of self-blame and self-punishment because we made mistakes in the past, because we may not be where we want to be right now.

we compare ourselves to people with completely different backgrounds and environments.

we think, “I should have had ___ by now.” or the (temporarily valid) victim mentality of “if ___ hadn’t happened, ___ would have been better.”

i say temporarily valid because some of us were victims indeed—but to stay in that role is detrimental in the long run.

we even have a subconscious self-hatred and shame that dates back to our infancy, because we deem ourselves weak for not being able to stand up to the caretakers who didn’t nurture us. we despise ourselves for our inability to take care of ourselves as children. (see Dragon Mother by Michael Tsarion)

we think that if we had been better or smarter, there wouldn’t be so much damage to undo right now.

even if we are not conscious of this self-image, it is there in the midst of our shame.

we also carry ancestral shame for our own humanity. if you haven’t noticed, there is a constant trope of humans being bad and undeserving—of having done this to ourselves.

but a true spirit recognizes that not all carry a spirit. some have denounced it and forfeited their heart and compassion. we cannot place ourselves in the same generalizations as them. this discernment cannot be understated, and you must remember it for your own sake. you will be pulled back into self-hatred until you recognize this—I promise you.

additionally, there is only one reality: the one you are living now. your constant, moment-to-moment awareness. to fantasize and project onto “would haves” and “should haves” is utterly futile, because you cannot know how things would have unfolded. there are far too many variables and unknowables.

all you know—and all you can know—is how things are right now (as a consequence of the past).

and by all means, if there is something you do not like, feel free to go on and change it.

but i am sure you have heard the saying that wisdom is knowing what you can change and letting go of what you cannot.

that, too, is a skill of discernment that you must polish.

it is this skill that bestows upon you real compassion.

you will start to recognize what is yours to carry and what isn’t—and trust me, you are currently carrying way more than you need to.

this makes you heavy and dense, which is a great environment for self-blame.

this process can be very arduous if you have deep trauma, and very confusing. but with every letting go, you will feel lighter. at first it will be barely noticeable, but with time all those little steps accumulate and set you into momentum.

you must recognize soberly what is realistic. if you were abused as a child, you had no choice. your life depended on others. therefore, you can let yourself off the hook.

you need to constantly ask yourself, “if that were true, what does that mean about me?” or about the other party in the situation.

if it wasn’t your fault that you were treated poorly as a child, then you must face the uncomfortable truth that your caretakers were inadequate.

so many of us are running from this feeling of utter powerlessness and terror. if they were inadequate, it means we were powerless to them. and so often we keep our self-hatred just so we can have a sliver of control.

if it was my fault, then at least i wasn’t at the mercy of others.

you must grow the courage to face this, or you will remain confused about your current responsibility. you will keep yourself in the past and be heavy with the shame of something you couldn’t do because it was utterly impossible.

the only way forward is to clearly discern what you can adjust and what is not yours to carry. this is not about a blame game. it is purely to release you—to set the story straight for you emotionally, to stop you from leaking your energy into past occurrences that need not weigh on you day by day.

to let yourself off the hook, you must recognize that it was like a baton on fire that someone passed to you.

you need not carry it just because you may love the person who gave it to you.

you can simply drop it. you are at sea because your being can move forward—you just need to let the baggage go.

this is not an overnight trip, but i promise you will become better at navigating. you will become lighter and be a joy to yourself.

the past does not need your loyalty. your present does.

you will start seeing all the possibilities for how to use this newfound energy. your heart will lighten. your compassion will grow—toward yourself and others.

with time, you will begin to notice how much your own self-deprecation was clouding your vision. what you can change will become more visible, and your actions will feel more effortless, as you will no longer be resisting your own life by clinging to the past. all the past wants is to be looked at so you can understand yourself better. it is not your judgment or your sentence. it is just a 2D picture. you must not be afraid to see it fully.

and the more you see it for what it is—objectively, without self-deprecation—the more you will be able to move forward. and this movement awaits you. how will you go about your divine dance of life?